It's been a Long Time

Yes it's been a long time since I wrote something here. Anyway lately things have not been going so great inside of me. I think there is just too much hurt and frustration that even a healthy dose of beer and alcohol could not drown my sorrows. I smoked a lot more and I am having more and more suicidal thoughts. I really don't want to be like this. I guess its timing.

Well, I still having some hang over as I am writting this with some dizzy spell or maybe a hang over after last night heavy drinking. I have not been drinking this much well since... can't remember. Back to the point of what I am trying to say..

My friend was like this too for almost 5 years. Everytime he drinks or really talk about his relationship, he is kinda depressed and angry. I guess I didn't do a very good job fixing myself too. I am like his state too when he was having a hard time.

Problem is there is just too much hurt inside. I mean I cannot explain it. Everytime I want to care about her, that I feel bad and worried about her, I also feel like I am holding her back from her dreams. She wants to continue being a flight attendant. And for the live of me, when I see her vomit and faint, I cannot help it but tears keep flowing down. I only want to love and care but not stopping her from her dreams.

Dammit sometimes I feel like I am tying her up with a chain. But again I cannot help it when I know she is so sick at times and all alone and abroad. There is a huge tidal wave of conflict in me.
I only hope all this depression in me will not kill our relationship.

I try so hard these days to change my personality. I keep telling myself smile even if I am in trouble, smile even when I am depressed. Smile even if I am angry. But I ended up causing pain to my beloved. I was drunk.. Said some stupid things to her. Tried to be happy when I can't. Hahaha actually I try to be the rainbow guy that she wants me too.. Seems like I am like the clown with a huge smile drawn outside my face, but I am actually frowning. I really want to be happy.

Lynn please hang on for a while. I will be back to my good self when I somehow learn to handle all these feelings and conflict inside. I am sorry for what I've said and did yesterday.