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Larry and I

Do you believe in destiny? This blog is all about my love and my boyfriend, Larry. Although I don't know how is our love in future but I just want to keep our memory forever and ever.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Learning to Cope with Stress

Well, after some argument with her, I am learning to adjust my own responds to problems and to take things more positively. I hope I can keep this up for the better and I hope everything will go well for us. :)

Friday, May 23, 2008

It's been a Long Time

Yes it's been a long time since I wrote something here. Anyway lately things have not been going so great inside of me. I think there is just too much hurt and frustration that even a healthy dose of beer and alcohol could not drown my sorrows. I smoked a lot more and I am having more and more suicidal thoughts. I really don't want to be like this. I guess its timing.

Well, I still having some hang over as I am writting this with some dizzy spell or maybe a hang over after last night heavy drinking. I have not been drinking this much well since... can't remember. Back to the point of what I am trying to say..

My friend was like this too for almost 5 years. Everytime he drinks or really talk about his relationship, he is kinda depressed and angry. I guess I didn't do a very good job fixing myself too. I am like his state too when he was having a hard time.

Problem is there is just too much hurt inside. I mean I cannot explain it. Everytime I want to care about her, that I feel bad and worried about her, I also feel like I am holding her back from her dreams. She wants to continue being a flight attendant. And for the live of me, when I see her vomit and faint, I cannot help it but tears keep flowing down. I only want to love and care but not stopping her from her dreams.

Dammit sometimes I feel like I am tying her up with a chain. But again I cannot help it when I know she is so sick at times and all alone and abroad. There is a huge tidal wave of conflict in me.
I only hope all this depression in me will not kill our relationship.

I try so hard these days to change my personality. I keep telling myself smile even if I am in trouble, smile even when I am depressed. Smile even if I am angry. But I ended up causing pain to my beloved. I was drunk.. Said some stupid things to her. Tried to be happy when I can't. Hahaha actually I try to be the rainbow guy that she wants me too.. Seems like I am like the clown with a huge smile drawn outside my face, but I am actually frowning. I really want to be happy.

Lynn please hang on for a while. I will be back to my good self when I somehow learn to handle all these feelings and conflict inside. I am sorry for what I've said and did yesterday.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

The Way so far

It have been long time that I have not came here and wrote down something. Some person should think we broke up so both of us didn't come and write down anything here.
The truth is : We have still love each other and always be happy. Larry is good. He is the good guy. He always try to do everything for me :) . I love him a lot and think he is only man who can do those kinds of things for me.
Next week will be our anniversary Yeah !! 2 years already for long love distance. I have never thought we can do that. Every month was passed so tough. Happiness, Sadness we try to get through it together. So many times both of us want to give up. But we have a little dream that we will be togethere in one day.
Larry try to find the job in Thailand. Because he think that it is the best way for us. He nearly to get the job. The company invited him to interview but unfortunetly i can not get. May be it's because god hate us or want to test us more.
I just want him to know that I believe he can do that. Although the way for us is so tough and far but I know he will build the bridge and bring us be together
Mojikung soo soo dai :)

Friday, January 11, 2008

I can not make him happy

May be I have to go because I can not make him happy. Nearly 2 years we are couple but I don't know how many time he feel happy to be with me. In 1 year and nine months, we got through so many things together but most of the time he choosed to be suffered because want to see me happy.

He should to support me to be flight attendant although he has to flight with his own feeling a lot. He know what will happen to my health if I'm the flight attendant. But it's my dream so he have to support me no matter what.

I always see his eyes sad because I did something wrong. I can see how he was suffer by the thing I said. I know he try so hard for making me happy.

He bought compter and did all internet access because don't want me be lonely when I'm far from home. He try to be with me when I want someone. He try to listen and understand all the crap things I said. He try to find the new job because want us to be together.

And what I do for him......I be more evil...make him sad and nurvous......he has to spend a lot of money because of my demand. I make him feel bad. I make him feel sad and I have never understand what he want..... That's me

May be I should go.....May be if he know a new girl he will be more happy.....May be other girl know how to take him more than stupid girl like me............

Friday, December 14, 2007

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Something is nice to share

The parable of the farmer and the wheat

Misery only means that things are not fitting with your desires--and things never fit with your desires, they cannot. Things simply go on following their nature. Lao Tzu calls this nature Tao. Buddha calls this nature Dhamma. Mahavir has defined religion as "the nature of things." Nothing can be done. Fire is hot and water is cool.

The wise man is one who relaxes with the nature of things, who follows the nature of things. And when you follow the nature of things, no shadow is cast. There is no misery. Even sadness is luminous then, even sadness has a beauty then. Not that sadness will not come--it will come, but it will not be your enemy. You will befriend it, because you will see its necessity. You will be able to see its grace, and you will be able to see why it is there and why it is needed.

I have heard an ancient parable--it must be very ancient, because God used to live on the earth in those days. One day a man came to him, an old farmer, and he said, "Look, you may be God, and you may have created the world, but one thing I must say to you: you are not a farmer. You don´t know even the ABC of farming. You have something to learn."

God said, "What´s your advice?"

The farmer said, "You give me one year´s time, and just let things be according to me, and see what happens. There will be no poverty left!"

God was willing, and one year was given to the farmer. Naturally, he asked for the best, he thought only of the best--no thunder, no strong winds, no dangers for the crop. Everything was comfortable, cozy, and he was very happy. The wheat was growing so high! When he wanted sun, there was sun; when he wanted rain, there was rain, and as much as he wanted. This year everything was right, mathematically right. But when the crops were harvested, there was no wheat inside. The farmer was surprised.

He asked God, "What happened? What went wrong?"

God said, "Because there was no challenge, because there was no conflict, no friction, because you avoided all that was bad, the wheat remained impotent. A little struggle is a must. Storms are needed, thunder, lightning is needed. They shake up the soul inside the wheat."

This parable is of immense value. If you are just happy and happy and happy, happiness will lose all meaning. It will be as if somebody is writing with white chalk on a white wall. Nobody will ever be able to read it. You have to write on a black board, then it comes clear. The night is as much needed as the day. And the days of sadness are as essential as the days of happiness. This I call understanding.

Once you understand it, you relax--in that relaxation is surrender. You say, "Thy will be done." You say, "Do whatsoever you feel is right. If today clouds are needed, give me clouds. Don´t listen to me, my understanding is tiny. What do I know of life and its secrets? Don´t listen to me! You just go on doing your will." And, slowly slowly, the more you see the rhythm of life, the rhythm of duality, the rhythm of polarity, you stop asking, you stop choosing. This is the secret. Live with this secret, and see the beauty. Live with this secret, and you will be suddenly surprised: How great is the blessing of life! How much is being showered on you every moment!

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Learn to be friend with loneliness

I'm cabin attendant. It's a job which I dream and try to be. Many people were suffered by my ambitious. Especially my dear, Larry. Although I hurt him a lot but he still love me and always beside me.

I have worked for Jalways since May.....Umm eight months already. I was trainnee for six months and I start to be real cabin attendant for 2 months. Seem like I passed so many things in this 8 months. And he too....

I earn more money. I can travel and see the world more than other people. My job is so easy. Don't have much problem. It finish flight by flight. My colleagues change every flight. If you hate someone, it has not much chance to see her again. Seem like very happy life. But where is my happy.

I cry very often since I have worked here. I feel very lonely and always keep thinking about him. Although this is the job I like but I feel bad every time when I have to be alone. I'm trying to be friend with loneliness. But It is not friendly to me. It made me scare and think a lot when I have to be with. sigh...

Everytime I'm weak and sick. The most person will suffer is him. He know my story more than my parent. hehe I tell him everything until sometime I feel it too much for him. I hurt him by my story...sigh... I know how he worried about me. I know how he feel when he know have something bad happend to me but he can not do anything. Don't know how to say, Don't know how to make me feel better........

My health is getting worse. Keep vomotting. Because country change so time change. The more I be like this is the more he nurvous. sighh....

I just hope.. I can be better so he won't suffer anymore