Learning to Cope with Stress

Well, after some argument with her, I am learning to adjust my own responds to problems and to take things more positively. I hope I can keep this up for the better and I hope everything will go well for us. :)

It's been a Long Time

Yes it's been a long time since I wrote something here. Anyway lately things have not been going so great inside of me. I think there is just too much hurt and frustration that even a healthy dose of beer and alcohol could not drown my sorrows. I smoked a lot more and I am having more and more suicidal thoughts. I really don't want to be like this. I guess its timing.

Well, I still having some hang over as I am writting this with some dizzy spell or maybe a hang over after last night heavy drinking. I have not been drinking this much well since... can't remember. Back to the point of what I am trying to say..

My friend was like this too for almost 5 years. Everytime he drinks or really talk about his relationship, he is kinda depressed and angry. I guess I didn't do a very good job fixing myself too. I am like his state too when he was having a hard time.

Problem is there is just too much hurt inside. I mean I cannot explain it. Everytime I want to care about her, that I feel bad and worried about her, I also feel like I am holding her back from her dreams. She wants to continue being a flight attendant. And for the live of me, when I see her vomit and faint, I cannot help it but tears keep flowing down. I only want to love and care but not stopping her from her dreams.

Dammit sometimes I feel like I am tying her up with a chain. But again I cannot help it when I know she is so sick at times and all alone and abroad. There is a huge tidal wave of conflict in me.
I only hope all this depression in me will not kill our relationship.

I try so hard these days to change my personality. I keep telling myself smile even if I am in trouble, smile even when I am depressed. Smile even if I am angry. But I ended up causing pain to my beloved. I was drunk.. Said some stupid things to her. Tried to be happy when I can't. Hahaha actually I try to be the rainbow guy that she wants me too.. Seems like I am like the clown with a huge smile drawn outside my face, but I am actually frowning. I really want to be happy.

Lynn please hang on for a while. I will be back to my good self when I somehow learn to handle all these feelings and conflict inside. I am sorry for what I've said and did yesterday.

The Way so far

It have been long time that I have not came here and wrote down something. Some person should think we broke up so both of us didn't come and write down anything here.

The truth is : We have still love each other and always be happy. Larry is good. He is the good guy. He always try to do everything for me :) . I love him a lot and think he is only man who can do those kinds of things for me.

Next week will be our anniversary Yeah !! 2 years already for long love distance. I have never thought we can do that. Every month was passed so tough. Happiness, Sadness we try to get through it together. So many times both of us want to give up. But we have a little dream that we will be togethere in one day.

Larry try to find the job in Thailand. Because he think that it is the best way for us. He nearly to get the job. The company invited him to interview but unfortunetly i can not get. May be it's because god hate us or want to test us more.

I just want him to know that I believe he can do that. Although the way for us is so tough and far but I know he will build the bridge and bring us be together

Mojikung soo soo dai :)