Happy Things
Yeah life is great.. I have meet up with Lynn's father. Seems like a good start. But I am not a man who celebrates my victory fast. For me it is just a small step for me to take for at least I can have a future with her. Forward a few days.
Lynn tells me that she is going to get her Flight Attendant application result. I don't want to think much of it. She always tell me that she would most likely fail her medical check up. But everytime she says that I know that she knows herself that she would most likely get through and would most likely get the job but she is just saying that to console me and to postpone uncertainty. The day came yesterday.. She got it.. Yeah.. Hurrah.. Her dream is finally here.
But guess what, the monster in me cannot let her go. I started to become selfish, scared and finally occured to me that I can really lose her. I had always told her to pursue her dreams. Thought I can be the so called "good man" and always support her. Boy, I really failed this time.
Today, it's Valentine's. I gave her the crappiest gift ever. I took instead of gave. I made her sad instead of keeping my sweet promises to make her happy. I rob her of her dream. I forbid her to be a flight attendant when she was so close.
I was scared that being further away, being exposed to temptations, and meeting so called "materialistic people" in that field, she would become them and I will lose the Lynn I know. She would also get to know other men that would promise her the world just like I promised her. Being lonely and vulnerable, anyone can fall in love with somebody else no matter how much she loved someone. I had been there, away from home. The vulnerable feeling can really turn who we see as bad guy to a good guy. Assholes to saviours. I know how it is. Being needy to someone else. I cannot hide the fact that I am so insecure now. I have always thought that I can handle myself. That I can keep my mind sane and be objective. But to this point, I am willing to trade my soul just so that she can be with me for the rest of my life. What have I become? Why can't I let her go.. It is the right thing to do. It's Lynn's dream. And I crushed it.
I also worried about her health. Gastric, insomnia and asthma; Lynn has them all. When she flies across different time zones. Eating and sleeping time will keep changing. It's very tiring to her body. When she needs help who is going to take care of her? Who is going to carry her? I want to be that man more than anything. I know her problems. I really want to be there for her. But over there, someone else will do that.. Don't you understand what I am saying.. I am willing to take care of you knowing how much it hurts to see you like that. I want to be your hero and not let that be another man.
I know someday down the road, she might blame me. I still can't forgive myself.
Everyday, she waits for me to fix things. But I can't fix it. I feel like I am failing her. I make matters worse.
Can't you see, I am another fool so in love and is so afraid to lose you? But why I can't I do the right thing to let you go for your dreams?
Lynn tells me that she is going to get her Flight Attendant application result. I don't want to think much of it. She always tell me that she would most likely fail her medical check up. But everytime she says that I know that she knows herself that she would most likely get through and would most likely get the job but she is just saying that to console me and to postpone uncertainty. The day came yesterday.. She got it.. Yeah.. Hurrah.. Her dream is finally here.
But guess what, the monster in me cannot let her go. I started to become selfish, scared and finally occured to me that I can really lose her. I had always told her to pursue her dreams. Thought I can be the so called "good man" and always support her. Boy, I really failed this time.
Today, it's Valentine's. I gave her the crappiest gift ever. I took instead of gave. I made her sad instead of keeping my sweet promises to make her happy. I rob her of her dream. I forbid her to be a flight attendant when she was so close.
I was scared that being further away, being exposed to temptations, and meeting so called "materialistic people" in that field, she would become them and I will lose the Lynn I know. She would also get to know other men that would promise her the world just like I promised her. Being lonely and vulnerable, anyone can fall in love with somebody else no matter how much she loved someone. I had been there, away from home. The vulnerable feeling can really turn who we see as bad guy to a good guy. Assholes to saviours. I know how it is. Being needy to someone else. I cannot hide the fact that I am so insecure now. I have always thought that I can handle myself. That I can keep my mind sane and be objective. But to this point, I am willing to trade my soul just so that she can be with me for the rest of my life. What have I become? Why can't I let her go.. It is the right thing to do. It's Lynn's dream. And I crushed it.
I also worried about her health. Gastric, insomnia and asthma; Lynn has them all. When she flies across different time zones. Eating and sleeping time will keep changing. It's very tiring to her body. When she needs help who is going to take care of her? Who is going to carry her? I want to be that man more than anything. I know her problems. I really want to be there for her. But over there, someone else will do that.. Don't you understand what I am saying.. I am willing to take care of you knowing how much it hurts to see you like that. I want to be your hero and not let that be another man.
I know someday down the road, she might blame me. I still can't forgive myself.
Everyday, she waits for me to fix things. But I can't fix it. I feel like I am failing her. I make matters worse.
Can't you see, I am another fool so in love and is so afraid to lose you? But why I can't I do the right thing to let you go for your dreams?
posted by Cal_el @ 3:16 AM
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