Does anyone understand anybody?

Life always have its ups and downs. I think recently there is more down. I know many ppl want some instant gratification. They want some plan, some direction which requires planning. That is part of my job, part of my love life.. I know that there are ppl who depend on me like my bosses, my senior, my colleagues, my technicians and my love too. There is also my parents.. Sometimes I feel like being away from them is already letting them down..

The list will be longer and longer as I get older. I am always afraid to let them down. But I still do. I tried hard but I guess not hard enough. I guess this is where heroes falter. In the movies, there is a one moment where the scene climaxed and the balance of good and evil could swing in either direction and the ending of the movie is decided in the turn of these events... This is where the hero overcomes all odds and triumph at the end and decide to say something fancy in summary leaving all the audience feeling a little warmth in them. Some how in the back of everybody's head, they wanted to say that or wanna be told those very words; all is safe, all that ends is good and you can rest assure that the bad guy is gone.. (but these days there are so many sequels so there is hardly endings like that)..

My point of telling all that is.. life is not like the movies. Yes, we might occasionally triumph in our own obstacles. We might be able to rise to the occasions and exit to be a better person. But we don't always do. We aren't always the hero in our own lives. We might just be the villain because the ppl around you thinks that we are lazy, we are not determined enough. We are just not good enough. Is it this very fear that is driving me all along? Are these fears that make me conform?

I am an engineer. Part of my job is to standardize ppl and machines and processes. And I am being made so too (standardized). I like some part of it. But when I was a student I did had some rebel streak. I was usually late, didn't do homework properly, insulting teachers by answering their examination papers with poetry, drawing tankers and stick man soldiers in my grade 11 biology examination paper (but guess what? I got 2 points for that drawing.. haha).. I did that in uni too and nearly got expelled.. I have learned since then.. Or have I? I think that the last doodle I made got me kicked of my rented room just 2 months ago. Looks like I have not learned.

Finally, to summarize this.. I am a rebel. I am not meant to be anybody's hero. I realised that. I wanted to be a hero. But its just too hard. Now can I be the useless good for nothing bum? I don't want to be anybody's hope. I will just let them down.. I guess I can't. I have to go on this path because I made too many promises. But can anybody out there realise that I too want to be taken care of ? Where is my Fortress of Solitude?