The Voice in Our Heads..
Today is 23 April 2007,
Time flies so fast. It's going to be one year since we are together. But for me I have always been in love with you since we first met.. Okler started in the club ler. But anyway I really hope that my feelings for you stay this way cause I think I never felt this way about anyone before. I didn't sleep well last night too. Slept at around 2 to 3 am last night. Really feel tired today. But my thoughts keep going back to you. Feel like hugging you to sleep everynight.
I know you always want my support and sometimes I cannot give it to you. I know that the flight attendant thing has been a thorn between us. Cause I find it hard to resolve my acceptance to your dreams and wants. Whenever I hear about your health I feel very difficult and suffocated. When I hear about your JALways friends' priority about beauty (they tried to put on make up whenever they can) I feel like you will be very pressured and put yourself in a bulimic eating disorder again. Dear, do you know that it is very hard to fight the environment especially when everyone around you takes beauty very seriously? My environment takes brain and analyzing skill as paramount. We worship people who has great management skills. We want to be fast accurate and able to resolve problems. We live to be strategists and planners for the fate of our subordinates. I am not saying beauty is not important. And I am not thinking that looks and stating style is not important. On the contrary, giving people a good impression is very important and that is judged by the way we talk and dress ourselves. We want to instill confidence in the ppl we meet. Engineers too.. We have more in common than you think. And brain and management skills are not more important than what you are doing. All these are qualities pressed and measured on us in our respective environment.
I have become this way because of my environment. Because I need to survive and also aspired to be more than I can be. You too want to be more than you can be. You aspire to be outstanding in your field too. You want to be recognised for your ability to treat people well and you want to look good as these are part of the measurement of success in your field. I respect that. Because I too seek recognition. Able to speak Japanese, serving others and also controlling the way you speak to appear "friendly and service minded" are the things you have to be good at in order to be recognised. But I fear, like last time you will take the self damaging way of bulimia and also push yourself towards the limit and suffer greatly afterwards.
Remember when I asked you, "Do you hear my voice sometimes before you do something?" You said yes and you replied that you will imagine what I will complain about you before you do something. Too bad that you keep thinking its a complain. Means in your mind I am always against your idea. (see what I mean about analysing? I am anaylsing the words you said) The point is I hear these voices too. I too was growing up and is still growing. I hear my teachers', yours, friends, parents, my bosses and other ppl's. I imagine how my actions and my world would look like from other ppl's point of view. Somehow these guides me and controls me. They regulate my actions and are build as my inner discipline. I ask this because I want to know do you have them, inner discipline? Are you the type of girl that needs ppl to discipline you or you think that you are already doing a good job without us? You think for yourself in this matter. I complain because I don't agree. I try to tell you many times in hope that you too can have a conversation with yourself (in your mind) of what is wrong and right. We cannot tell you what to do as you are more mature everday. Somehow our voices can be your conscience but the problem is, like everyone else we tend to give into our impulses.
Our needs and wants of that very moment, even if it brings us problems are usually pursued. Than we live with regrets and that trigger other chain reaction. My ex gave into her impulses to kiss that guy (while I was her bf) and she felt very guilty. She told me and I gave into my impulses to break up because I thought she would be happier rather than being stuck in between 2 guys. She gave into her impulses against her good judgement, I gave mine because I cannot handle the damage that was done.
You don't like to hear ppl's experience sometimes because you think that they are not applicable to you and you think you know better. I remind you to remember my words when you face temptation not because I think it will change your decision. But I want you to know that nobody can escape it. The temptation to skip meals and diet like crazy just to be thin, Not to sleep because you want to party all night in a foreign country. The desire to look for attention from other guys when they are interested in you. You want to know where these leads. You want to play along and see if that brings you anywhere. You would be lonely and you will need some care and love just like everyone else..You can be vulnerable. I know because I know you.. I know because I am no different.
So I am telling you this. If you think you have enough discipline than you can decide for yourself. You can fight your own impulses as I fight mine whenever I see some pretty girl and I want to get her number. I feel lonely too. But I remember each other... Remember some path taken cannot be changed and the damage cannot be repaired. That is why I want you to hang out with your friends. You can go out with other guys. As long as you know what you are doing and you know you won't hurt me. Remember I gave you that freedom before and you went out with V and Hong and drank like nobodies business. A few times you got into trouble with Pol and such (rmb when ppl took advantage of you when you were drunk). You did lead them to think that they can be your bf because you failed to tell them that you already have a boyfriend? ("Opps I did again.. I played with your heart letting you think that we can be more than just friends," Birtney Spears)You always tell me because you are lonely and want attention. Yes I know.. You lived and you chose. You hurt and at the end you have nobody to blame but your own choices. So again I am telling you by all means, be all that you can be. Aspire as high as you can. Have fun meeting ppl and have friends. Drink if you want but control yourself and perceive threats wherever you go, whoever you know. Be alert to threats to yourself and our relationship.Take care of your life and health. But remember me as I am waiting for you here. I will be with you everyday when the day come. Please help me to make that happen.. I do need you dear.. Don't let us down..
Love you my teerak....
Time flies so fast. It's going to be one year since we are together. But for me I have always been in love with you since we first met.. Okler started in the club ler. But anyway I really hope that my feelings for you stay this way cause I think I never felt this way about anyone before. I didn't sleep well last night too. Slept at around 2 to 3 am last night. Really feel tired today. But my thoughts keep going back to you. Feel like hugging you to sleep everynight.
I know you always want my support and sometimes I cannot give it to you. I know that the flight attendant thing has been a thorn between us. Cause I find it hard to resolve my acceptance to your dreams and wants. Whenever I hear about your health I feel very difficult and suffocated. When I hear about your JALways friends' priority about beauty (they tried to put on make up whenever they can) I feel like you will be very pressured and put yourself in a bulimic eating disorder again. Dear, do you know that it is very hard to fight the environment especially when everyone around you takes beauty very seriously? My environment takes brain and analyzing skill as paramount. We worship people who has great management skills. We want to be fast accurate and able to resolve problems. We live to be strategists and planners for the fate of our subordinates. I am not saying beauty is not important. And I am not thinking that looks and stating style is not important. On the contrary, giving people a good impression is very important and that is judged by the way we talk and dress ourselves. We want to instill confidence in the ppl we meet. Engineers too.. We have more in common than you think. And brain and management skills are not more important than what you are doing. All these are qualities pressed and measured on us in our respective environment.
I have become this way because of my environment. Because I need to survive and also aspired to be more than I can be. You too want to be more than you can be. You aspire to be outstanding in your field too. You want to be recognised for your ability to treat people well and you want to look good as these are part of the measurement of success in your field. I respect that. Because I too seek recognition. Able to speak Japanese, serving others and also controlling the way you speak to appear "friendly and service minded" are the things you have to be good at in order to be recognised. But I fear, like last time you will take the self damaging way of bulimia and also push yourself towards the limit and suffer greatly afterwards.
Remember when I asked you, "Do you hear my voice sometimes before you do something?" You said yes and you replied that you will imagine what I will complain about you before you do something. Too bad that you keep thinking its a complain. Means in your mind I am always against your idea. (see what I mean about analysing? I am anaylsing the words you said) The point is I hear these voices too. I too was growing up and is still growing. I hear my teachers', yours, friends, parents, my bosses and other ppl's. I imagine how my actions and my world would look like from other ppl's point of view. Somehow these guides me and controls me. They regulate my actions and are build as my inner discipline. I ask this because I want to know do you have them, inner discipline? Are you the type of girl that needs ppl to discipline you or you think that you are already doing a good job without us? You think for yourself in this matter. I complain because I don't agree. I try to tell you many times in hope that you too can have a conversation with yourself (in your mind) of what is wrong and right. We cannot tell you what to do as you are more mature everday. Somehow our voices can be your conscience but the problem is, like everyone else we tend to give into our impulses.
Our needs and wants of that very moment, even if it brings us problems are usually pursued. Than we live with regrets and that trigger other chain reaction. My ex gave into her impulses to kiss that guy (while I was her bf) and she felt very guilty. She told me and I gave into my impulses to break up because I thought she would be happier rather than being stuck in between 2 guys. She gave into her impulses against her good judgement, I gave mine because I cannot handle the damage that was done.
You don't like to hear ppl's experience sometimes because you think that they are not applicable to you and you think you know better. I remind you to remember my words when you face temptation not because I think it will change your decision. But I want you to know that nobody can escape it. The temptation to skip meals and diet like crazy just to be thin, Not to sleep because you want to party all night in a foreign country. The desire to look for attention from other guys when they are interested in you. You want to know where these leads. You want to play along and see if that brings you anywhere. You would be lonely and you will need some care and love just like everyone else..You can be vulnerable. I know because I know you.. I know because I am no different.
So I am telling you this. If you think you have enough discipline than you can decide for yourself. You can fight your own impulses as I fight mine whenever I see some pretty girl and I want to get her number. I feel lonely too. But I remember each other... Remember some path taken cannot be changed and the damage cannot be repaired. That is why I want you to hang out with your friends. You can go out with other guys. As long as you know what you are doing and you know you won't hurt me. Remember I gave you that freedom before and you went out with V and Hong and drank like nobodies business. A few times you got into trouble with Pol and such (rmb when ppl took advantage of you when you were drunk). You did lead them to think that they can be your bf because you failed to tell them that you already have a boyfriend? ("Opps I did again.. I played with your heart letting you think that we can be more than just friends," Birtney Spears)You always tell me because you are lonely and want attention. Yes I know.. You lived and you chose. You hurt and at the end you have nobody to blame but your own choices. So again I am telling you by all means, be all that you can be. Aspire as high as you can. Have fun meeting ppl and have friends. Drink if you want but control yourself and perceive threats wherever you go, whoever you know. Be alert to threats to yourself and our relationship.Take care of your life and health. But remember me as I am waiting for you here. I will be with you everyday when the day come. Please help me to make that happen.. I do need you dear.. Don't let us down..
Love you my teerak....
posted by Cal_el @ 7:11 PM
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