What's New???
Well, it has been very long since I wrote anything here. Seems like I don't have a habit to tell the world the going ons of my mind. Which in result pisses my gf off because she thinks I don't take the effort to contribute to our blog which would be perceived as I don't care for our relationship which also means I don't care about her feelings... Sigh, a guy can't win here.
Alright enough of my whinning. I am here on Saturday "supposedly" be working but took some prolonged time off to key a thought or two in here. So far what has been happening to our relationship? I think that other than I trust her more and needed her more and more there is also an uncertain future painted ahead of us. She is going to be a flight attendant soon and realising her dream. I on the other hand seems a bit lonelier for the lack of money (that's right, money can buy you friends :)) and also my best friend who I hanged out with during the absence of Lynn have a steadier relationship with his gf. He will spend more of his weekends with her and I well, have to find something else to do. For me, other than work and money.. There seem to be little things to do. Crap, I have a fallen into another yuppy life style.
Work and work.. no life. Sometimes I think to myself, I should have passion in sports and also reading. I did have. I liked to read, enjoyed hiking and also swimming. But most of all I liked movies. But Lynn is not here. I wanted to do all these things with her. But too bad, there is no on e who shares my passion here. So kinda bored about everything else.
Well on the positive note, I will be more of a workaholic and earn more money. Damn, when will I get promoted. Time to move up. Where is my cheese? I have no idea what I am babbling here.
Well, Lynn had gastric yesterday and I sounded depressed and she was sad too. She told me she would not tell me about her problems anymore if I behave this way. She says I should change the way I talk to her when she was telling me that she had gastric problem because I sounded cold. She doesn't like it when I am like that. To me I sounded more like I have constipation, constipation of words actually.. Darn.. how to tell her what I actually think. After she feels discouraged again. SO when I shuddup she says I am cold.
I am thinking like just how far would we go for our dream. She tried so hard to be a flight attendant and finally she have gotten it. Now she is preparing for it and she feels nervous because her training is very intensive. She faces a lot of pressure. I hope she can go through this without having to suffer for her health. I think having gone through a tough time is good. It fortifies a person. Make them solid and able to handle stress compare to other ppl. A mind can be train and thinking can be changed. And usually pressure makes one improve. But there is a saying, "the mind is willing but the flesh is weak.." What about the physical limits that stops us? I don't want to discourage her. And I think that if she hears or reads about my concern for her health, she will take it as a discouragement from me. I want to give her the full support for her dreams. But my mind is willing but my heart aches. Nobody knows it but me..
So I have to keep on smilling because it is what she wants and it is important to her. I want her to realise it too despite my selfishness of wanting her to be with me I am trying hard to let her go.. I mean in having to prepare for the worst. Whether she finds someone else or suffers for her health; Am I willing to take care of her and also am I willing to forgive her when she comes back from other man's embrace? You already know which is harder to accept. But I must have faith. I keep telling myself that. Sheer optimism base on faith.
I saw her in pain and know how bad it was for her. I really wish I can do something but staring at her feeling helpless is all I can do. I tried to give her encouraging words but I am messed up inside too. I told her to take care of her health and told her not to skip her meals. But when she told me to stop smoking I can't. I think I have trained my mind to find solace in inhaling burning dried tobbacos.. Don't I look cool hehehe..
If I could, I want to be detached from this all. I want to float in the air and not feel pain when I see my loved ones suffers. I want to be detached from worldly matters and from my own feelings and just view this world as it is, knowing that what Buddha had understood. But I guess this lifetime is not for me to attain Nibbana. I cannot do the great renounciation because I am to attached to Lynn. So much for spiritual developement..
Alright enough of my whinning. I am here on Saturday "supposedly" be working but took some prolonged time off to key a thought or two in here. So far what has been happening to our relationship? I think that other than I trust her more and needed her more and more there is also an uncertain future painted ahead of us. She is going to be a flight attendant soon and realising her dream. I on the other hand seems a bit lonelier for the lack of money (that's right, money can buy you friends :)) and also my best friend who I hanged out with during the absence of Lynn have a steadier relationship with his gf. He will spend more of his weekends with her and I well, have to find something else to do. For me, other than work and money.. There seem to be little things to do. Crap, I have a fallen into another yuppy life style.
Work and work.. no life. Sometimes I think to myself, I should have passion in sports and also reading. I did have. I liked to read, enjoyed hiking and also swimming. But most of all I liked movies. But Lynn is not here. I wanted to do all these things with her. But too bad, there is no on e who shares my passion here. So kinda bored about everything else.
Well on the positive note, I will be more of a workaholic and earn more money. Damn, when will I get promoted. Time to move up. Where is my cheese? I have no idea what I am babbling here.
Well, Lynn had gastric yesterday and I sounded depressed and she was sad too. She told me she would not tell me about her problems anymore if I behave this way. She says I should change the way I talk to her when she was telling me that she had gastric problem because I sounded cold. She doesn't like it when I am like that. To me I sounded more like I have constipation, constipation of words actually.. Darn.. how to tell her what I actually think. After she feels discouraged again. SO when I shuddup she says I am cold.
I am thinking like just how far would we go for our dream. She tried so hard to be a flight attendant and finally she have gotten it. Now she is preparing for it and she feels nervous because her training is very intensive. She faces a lot of pressure. I hope she can go through this without having to suffer for her health. I think having gone through a tough time is good. It fortifies a person. Make them solid and able to handle stress compare to other ppl. A mind can be train and thinking can be changed. And usually pressure makes one improve. But there is a saying, "the mind is willing but the flesh is weak.." What about the physical limits that stops us? I don't want to discourage her. And I think that if she hears or reads about my concern for her health, she will take it as a discouragement from me. I want to give her the full support for her dreams. But my mind is willing but my heart aches. Nobody knows it but me..
So I have to keep on smilling because it is what she wants and it is important to her. I want her to realise it too despite my selfishness of wanting her to be with me I am trying hard to let her go.. I mean in having to prepare for the worst. Whether she finds someone else or suffers for her health; Am I willing to take care of her and also am I willing to forgive her when she comes back from other man's embrace? You already know which is harder to accept. But I must have faith. I keep telling myself that. Sheer optimism base on faith.
I saw her in pain and know how bad it was for her. I really wish I can do something but staring at her feeling helpless is all I can do. I tried to give her encouraging words but I am messed up inside too. I told her to take care of her health and told her not to skip her meals. But when she told me to stop smoking I can't. I think I have trained my mind to find solace in inhaling burning dried tobbacos.. Don't I look cool hehehe..
If I could, I want to be detached from this all. I want to float in the air and not feel pain when I see my loved ones suffers. I want to be detached from worldly matters and from my own feelings and just view this world as it is, knowing that what Buddha had understood. But I guess this lifetime is not for me to attain Nibbana. I cannot do the great renounciation because I am to attached to Lynn. So much for spiritual developement..
posted by Cal_el @ 7:45 PM
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