What's new in my life

.....I have not wrote anything in our blog for awhile. I have many new things happened in my life in this time. Most of thing is about my new carrer, Cabin crew. I have already went to company for doing many documents such as Visa, Insurance, Opened Bank in Hawai and Tokyo since last week. And I also went to try on uniform. I was excited at that day. Finally, my dream is nearier and nearier.
.....Most of my time spend with Japanese. I have to study this language. And beleive me it's not easy to learn the new language in the short time. I have to force myslef alot to read book and not be lazy as I always be.....I study Japanese sine 10 am - 3.30 pm every Monday Wednesday and Friday. And after class still have to read book for review the lesson since 9 pm-mid night. For Tuesday and Thrusday is the day for Vocaburaly. I will spend whole day for remember the new words. On Saturday and Sunday still study a bit and relax with my Series Movie.
.....New friends in this new carrer. Most of them are pretty. Some of them are beautiful and look perfect. And few of them look very simple ....like me. Many times I asked myself that Why I can be here. IS it the right place for me. And I found the answer that I have something good so I'm here:P...
....I realised something after I talked with Larry in this evening. I realised that everybody have to have their own strenght. Everybody have to have different good point and all of that point will make you see value in yourself.....Seem like I have the problem to find my value long long time ago. I hurt myself a lot because I want to be thin. I change myself a lot because of my ex-boyfriend. And I complained myself alot about I haven't value for myself, my family and this world. But I found my value now. I know what I want to do. And I'm happy with that. I know what is make me better than other people. And what is make me important in this social.
....When Larry asked me about I know his strenght or not and I don't know. It made me feel very guity because he always know about me but I least to know him hehe. I think my read people skill had been better than this. Sorry dear...
...For our love still sweet and nice as always. I love him more and feel close to him more. I trust him and believe in our faith. I'm not care how other people said but just only I know I have him on this pathway it's enough for me. :P

The Voice in Our Heads..

Today is 23 April 2007,

Time flies so fast. It's going to be one year since we are together. But for me I have always been in love with you since we first met.. Okler started in the club ler. But anyway I really hope that my feelings for you stay this way cause I think I never felt this way about anyone before. I didn't sleep well last night too. Slept at around 2 to 3 am last night. Really feel tired today. But my thoughts keep going back to you. Feel like hugging you to sleep everynight.

I know you always want my support and sometimes I cannot give it to you. I know that the flight attendant thing has been a thorn between us. Cause I find it hard to resolve my acceptance to your dreams and wants. Whenever I hear about your health I feel very difficult and suffocated. When I hear about your JALways friends' priority about beauty (they tried to put on make up whenever they can) I feel like you will be very pressured and put yourself in a bulimic eating disorder again. Dear, do you know that it is very hard to fight the environment especially when everyone around you takes beauty very seriously? My environment takes brain and analyzing skill as paramount. We worship people who has great management skills. We want to be fast accurate and able to resolve problems. We live to be strategists and planners for the fate of our subordinates. I am not saying beauty is not important. And I am not thinking that looks and stating style is not important. On the contrary, giving people a good impression is very important and that is judged by the way we talk and dress ourselves. We want to instill confidence in the ppl we meet. Engineers too.. We have more in common than you think. And brain and management skills are not more important than what you are doing. All these are qualities pressed and measured on us in our respective environment.

I have become this way because of my environment. Because I need to survive and also aspired to be more than I can be. You too want to be more than you can be. You aspire to be outstanding in your field too. You want to be recognised for your ability to treat people well and you want to look good as these are part of the measurement of success in your field. I respect that. Because I too seek recognition. Able to speak Japanese, serving others and also controlling the way you speak to appear "friendly and service minded" are the things you have to be good at in order to be recognised. But I fear, like last time you will take the self damaging way of bulimia and also push yourself towards the limit and suffer greatly afterwards.

Remember when I asked you, "Do you hear my voice sometimes before you do something?" You said yes and you replied that you will imagine what I will complain about you before you do something. Too bad that you keep thinking its a complain. Means in your mind I am always against your idea. (see what I mean about analysing? I am anaylsing the words you said) The point is I hear these voices too. I too was growing up and is still growing. I hear my teachers', yours, friends, parents, my bosses and other ppl's. I imagine how my actions and my world would look like from other ppl's point of view. Somehow these guides me and controls me. They regulate my actions and are build as my inner discipline. I ask this because I want to know do you have them, inner discipline? Are you the type of girl that needs ppl to discipline you or you think that you are already doing a good job without us? You think for yourself in this matter. I complain because I don't agree. I try to tell you many times in hope that you too can have a conversation with yourself (in your mind) of what is wrong and right. We cannot tell you what to do as you are more mature everday. Somehow our voices can be your conscience but the problem is, like everyone else we tend to give into our impulses.

Our needs and wants of that very moment, even if it brings us problems are usually pursued. Than we live with regrets and that trigger other chain reaction. My ex gave into her impulses to kiss that guy (while I was her bf) and she felt very guilty. She told me and I gave into my impulses to break up because I thought she would be happier rather than being stuck in between 2 guys. She gave into her impulses against her good judgement, I gave mine because I cannot handle the damage that was done.

You don't like to hear ppl's experience sometimes because you think that they are not applicable to you and you think you know better. I remind you to remember my words when you face temptation not because I think it will change your decision. But I want you to know that nobody can escape it. The temptation to skip meals and diet like crazy just to be thin, Not to sleep because you want to party all night in a foreign country. The desire to look for attention from other guys when they are interested in you. You want to know where these leads. You want to play along and see if that brings you anywhere. You would be lonely and you will need some care and love just like everyone else..You can be vulnerable. I know because I know you.. I know because I am no different.

So I am telling you this. If you think you have enough discipline than you can decide for yourself. You can fight your own impulses as I fight mine whenever I see some pretty girl and I want to get her number. I feel lonely too. But I remember each other... Remember some path taken cannot be changed and the damage cannot be repaired. That is why I want you to hang out with your friends. You can go out with other guys. As long as you know what you are doing and you know you won't hurt me. Remember I gave you that freedom before and you went out with V and Hong and drank like nobodies business. A few times you got into trouble with Pol and such (rmb when ppl took advantage of you when you were drunk). You did lead them to think that they can be your bf because you failed to tell them that you already have a boyfriend? ("Opps I did again.. I played with your heart letting you think that we can be more than just friends," Birtney Spears)You always tell me because you are lonely and want attention. Yes I know.. You lived and you chose. You hurt and at the end you have nobody to blame but your own choices. So again I am telling you by all means, be all that you can be. Aspire as high as you can. Have fun meeting ppl and have friends. Drink if you want but control yourself and perceive threats wherever you go, whoever you know. Be alert to threats to yourself and our relationship.Take care of your life and health. But remember me as I am waiting for you here. I will be with you everyday when the day come. Please help me to make that happen.. I do need you dear.. Don't let us down..

Love you my teerak....

What's New???

Well, it has been very long since I wrote anything here. Seems like I don't have a habit to tell the world the going ons of my mind. Which in result pisses my gf off because she thinks I don't take the effort to contribute to our blog which would be perceived as I don't care for our relationship which also means I don't care about her feelings... Sigh, a guy can't win here.

Alright enough of my whinning. I am here on Saturday "supposedly" be working but took some prolonged time off to key a thought or two in here. So far what has been happening to our relationship? I think that other than I trust her more and needed her more and more there is also an uncertain future painted ahead of us. She is going to be a flight attendant soon and realising her dream. I on the other hand seems a bit lonelier for the lack of money (that's right, money can buy you friends :)) and also my best friend who I hanged out with during the absence of Lynn have a steadier relationship with his gf. He will spend more of his weekends with her and I well, have to find something else to do. For me, other than work and money.. There seem to be little things to do. Crap, I have a fallen into another yuppy life style.

Work and work.. no life. Sometimes I think to myself, I should have passion in sports and also reading. I did have. I liked to read, enjoyed hiking and also swimming. But most of all I liked movies. But Lynn is not here. I wanted to do all these things with her. But too bad, there is no on e who shares my passion here. So kinda bored about everything else.

Well on the positive note, I will be more of a workaholic and earn more money. Damn, when will I get promoted. Time to move up. Where is my cheese? I have no idea what I am babbling here.

Well, Lynn had gastric yesterday and I sounded depressed and she was sad too. She told me she would not tell me about her problems anymore if I behave this way. She says I should change the way I talk to her when she was telling me that she had gastric problem because I sounded cold. She doesn't like it when I am like that. To me I sounded more like I have constipation, constipation of words actually.. Darn.. how to tell her what I actually think. After she feels discouraged again. SO when I shuddup she says I am cold.

I am thinking like just how far would we go for our dream. She tried so hard to be a flight attendant and finally she have gotten it. Now she is preparing for it and she feels nervous because her training is very intensive. She faces a lot of pressure. I hope she can go through this without having to suffer for her health. I think having gone through a tough time is good. It fortifies a person. Make them solid and able to handle stress compare to other ppl. A mind can be train and thinking can be changed. And usually pressure makes one improve. But there is a saying, "the mind is willing but the flesh is weak.." What about the physical limits that stops us? I don't want to discourage her. And I think that if she hears or reads about my concern for her health, she will take it as a discouragement from me. I want to give her the full support for her dreams. But my mind is willing but my heart aches. Nobody knows it but me..

So I have to keep on smilling because it is what she wants and it is important to her. I want her to realise it too despite my selfishness of wanting her to be with me I am trying hard to let her go.. I mean in having to prepare for the worst. Whether she finds someone else or suffers for her health; Am I willing to take care of her and also am I willing to forgive her when she comes back from other man's embrace? You already know which is harder to accept. But I must have faith. I keep telling myself that. Sheer optimism base on faith.

I saw her in pain and know how bad it was for her. I really wish I can do something but staring at her feeling helpless is all I can do. I tried to give her encouraging words but I am messed up inside too. I told her to take care of her health and told her not to skip her meals. But when she told me to stop smoking I can't. I think I have trained my mind to find solace in inhaling burning dried tobbacos.. Don't I look cool hehehe..

If I could, I want to be detached from this all. I want to float in the air and not feel pain when I see my loved ones suffers. I want to be detached from worldly matters and from my own feelings and just view this world as it is, knowing that what Buddha had understood. But I guess this lifetime is not for me to attain Nibbana. I cannot do the great renounciation because I am to attached to Lynn. So much for spiritual developement..

Tong Hua

เพลง Tong Hua / นิยาย

นักร้อง Guang Liang
wang le you duo jiu / ลืมแล้วว่ามันนานแค่ไหน
zai mei ting dao ni / ที่ไม่ได้ยีนเธอ
dui wo shuo ni zui ai de gu shi / เล่าให้ผมฟังนิยายที่เธอชอบที่สุด
wo xiang le hen jiu / ผมใช้เวลาคิดนานมาก
wo kai shi huang le / ผมเรี่มกังวล
shi bu shi wo you zuo cuo le shen me / ว่าผมทำอะไรผิดไปหรือป่าว

#
ni ku zhe dui wo shuo / เธอร้องไห้กับผมว่า
tong hua li dou shi pian ren de / นิยายมันเป็นเรื่องโกหก
wo bu ke neng shi ni de wang zi / ผมไม่มีวันเป็นเจ้าชายของคุณ
ye xu ni bu hui dong / เธออาจไม่เข้าใจ
cong ni shuo ai wo yi hou / หลังจากที่เธอบอกว่ารักฉัน
wo de tian kong xing xing dou liang le / ดวงดาวบนท้องฟ้าของผมส่องแสงแปลงประกาย

*
wo yuan bian cheng tong hua li / ผมยอมแปลงเป็นนางฟ้าในนิยายที่เธอชอบ
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou / มือทั้งสองข้าง
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni / แปลงเป็นปีกปกป้องเธอ
ni yao xiang xin / เธอต้องเชื่อ
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li / เชื่อว่าเราทั้ง2จะเหมือนกับในนิยาย
xin fu he k.u.a.i le shi jie ju / มีจุดจบที่ดีและแฮปปี้

Repeat # and *

wo yao bian cheng tong hua li / ผมอยากจะแปลงเป็นนางฟ้าในนิยายที่เธอชอบ
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xin
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
xin fu he *** le shi jie ju

wo hui bian cheng tong hua li / ผมจะแปลงเป็นนางฟ้าในนิยายที่เธอชอบ
ni ai de na ge tian shi
zhang kai shuang shou
bian cheng chi bang shou hu ni
ni yao xiang xin
xiang xin wo men hui xiang tong hua gu shi li
xin fu he *** le shi jie ju

yi qi xie wo men de jie ju / สร้างจุดจบที่ดีด้วยกัน