Happy Chinese New Year

Xin Nian Kuai Le

Happy Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year is one of my favorite celebration. Although I like it but It doesn't mean I know well about this celebration. I know just only this celebration is Chinese New Year and this year is year of pig (I was born in this year so this year I will 24 years old). And this day I also get "Hong Pao" from my family. Hong Pao is money in red envelopment. Moreover, this celebration is a day for praying respect to god and my ancestors. Don't ask me how to do that because I don't know.....haha. According to I'm Chinese girl and I don't want my boyfriend says like I don't know any else except "Hong Pao" so I found some information and pasted it here. The next time I can tell him some about this...haha

Chinese New Year is the longest and most important celebration in the Chinese Calendar.
Chinese months are reckoned by the lunar calendar, with each month beginning on the darkest day. New Year festivities traditionally start on the first day of the month and continue until the fifteenth, when the moon is brightest. In China, people may take weeks of holiday from work to prepare for and celebrate the New Year.

At Chinese New Year celebrations people wear red clothes, decorate with poems on red paper, and give children "lucky money" in red envelopes. Red symbolizes fire, which according to legend can drive away bad luck. The fireworks that shower the festivities are rooted in a similar ancient custom. Long ago, people in China lit bamboo stalks, believing that the crackling flames would frighten evil spirits.

Just a summary story for Chinese New year which most of Chinese people in this world do and know. For my Chinese New year in this year start from saw my mom prepared many stuffs on Feb 16. I heard that today is like the day for shopping and buying many stuffs. And then I saw my mom prepared a lot of food for next day. On Feb 17 we had many kinds of respect god and ancestors in my house. We started in the morning we respected my ancestors and then we had lunch together (I ate a lot hehe). In the afternoon we respected the souls and then we had dinner together (I ate a lot again hehe.) And the time for my "Hong Pao" was coming. Although I have already worked but I still expected to get that. haha After that we respected to god at 11 pm. Many processes. On Feb 18, I woke up a bit late then wore the new dress and went to my cousin house for picking up "Hong Pao" (I'm not stingy girl, though I look like that) Then I went to have Tim Sum Buffet with my family (I ate a lot again). This is my Chinese new year. It was simple and normal. Nothing much accept Hong Pao and Eat hehe (May be because this year is pig of year so I ate a lot for celebration.)

Ps. Larry, Happy Chinese New year, baby. Wish you are happy and lucky in this year and don't forget my Hong Pao na....

Please be stronger

Dear....

I know you are very sad now. I know you are afraid of our future. I also afraid too. I know you afraid I will leave you. I know who are the best one for me. I love you so much. I will not go to other guy for sure. I know you never trust me. You always think I'm naugthy and like to play around. I don't have anything for garuntee as you can not garuntee yourself to me too. But we can not do anything except believe in our faith.

I can not live without you as you can not live without me. You are important for me as I important for you. You told me that your feeling now is like the girl who wait her husband go to work in other country. I also have the same feeling like I'm that husband who has to go to work with many concern and worry. I worry about you. I worry to leave you there. I want you too dear.

Dear, please be stronger. I can not pass this thing alone. I want your encourage and I want your support. I know you have to take sometime for clearing your mind. Dear....you have to move on not just only our relation but also your life too. You still have your job and have many things you have to learn. Don't forget your own dream. Both of us we have our own dream. Although we will have different dream and different path but we have the same goal.

"Love is what you will gain when the time comes"

My Valentine

Today is Feb 14, 2007 when is Valentine's day. In this morning I saw many girls hold roses on their hand and beside them also had their boyfriend. I looked at them with my sadness. I miss him a lot. I don't know what I have to choose. One hand is my dream and my dad and other hand is Larry. I know, he concern about my health. He concern how I will survive if I be the Flight Attendant. Who will take care me when I'm sick. Who we beside me when I have someone. We will be farer if I choose this carrer.

I nearly to give up for changing his mind to support me. I felt very lost when I told him I will not be Flight attendant anymore. I realized that I really want to try this carrer although I know how hard it is. I told myself that today is Valentine, my valentine will give the best thing for me. If he doesn't want me to be, I also will not be because I believe him.

In this evening he called me and said with a happy voice thatjust take the chance to be Flight attendant. I was wondered to hear his voice like that. I asked him that "Are you really happy or you assume to be" then he said "I'm happy" Just only that word can changed my bad feeling to become happier. I'm still hesistate when he let me follow my dream. Although both of us well know about what will happen in the nearly future but we selected to this way togeher. So no matter what I will have him and he will have me.

I will not scare to sick alone. I will not scare to stay alone in other country when I'm a fight attendant. I will not go out and have fun when I feel tired. I will control myself. I will not flirty...:P I will take care myself for him. I will make him pround of me. I will show him that he make the right decision for us. Thank you dear ...... Thank you for being my boyfriend. Thank you for giving me a chance to learn and grow up. Love you, my valentine.........

It is Valentine's

She must be so sad now. Lost and not knowing what to do. Feel lonely. She go out there and try to seek familiar comfort. From the man she once loved more than anything. She wants advice and just someone to cry to. Right now I can't be the one she goes to.

She must think that her life is so terrible because she cannot have what she wants. Everybody else is always telling her what to do. She asks "what about me?" "What about what I want?" I can only roll tears for her because I made her like this. So near, yet so she cannot get it. She would cry tonight.. Cry so much until she finds it hard to breathe again. I wish I can tell her everything is alright. I will take care of it.

When she goes back she feels shattered again. Lost hope and her dreams shattered. She lose her direction cause she don't know what else she can do. She feels like what she do or want she cannot get. So why want to try again..

All I can say is; I know dear.. I know.. Happy Valentine's

Happy Things

Yeah life is great.. I have meet up with Lynn's father. Seems like a good start. But I am not a man who celebrates my victory fast. For me it is just a small step for me to take for at least I can have a future with her. Forward a few days.

Lynn tells me that she is going to get her Flight Attendant application result. I don't want to think much of it. She always tell me that she would most likely fail her medical check up. But everytime she says that I know that she knows herself that she would most likely get through and would most likely get the job but she is just saying that to console me and to postpone uncertainty. The day came yesterday.. She got it.. Yeah.. Hurrah.. Her dream is finally here.

But guess what, the monster in me cannot let her go. I started to become selfish, scared and finally occured to me that I can really lose her. I had always told her to pursue her dreams. Thought I can be the so called "good man" and always support her. Boy, I really failed this time.

Today, it's Valentine's. I gave her the crappiest gift ever. I took instead of gave. I made her sad instead of keeping my sweet promises to make her happy. I rob her of her dream. I forbid her to be a flight attendant when she was so close.

I was scared that being further away, being exposed to temptations, and meeting so called "materialistic people" in that field, she would become them and I will lose the Lynn I know. She would also get to know other men that would promise her the world just like I promised her. Being lonely and vulnerable, anyone can fall in love with somebody else no matter how much she loved someone. I had been there, away from home. The vulnerable feeling can really turn who we see as bad guy to a good guy. Assholes to saviours. I know how it is. Being needy to someone else. I cannot hide the fact that I am so insecure now. I have always thought that I can handle myself. That I can keep my mind sane and be objective. But to this point, I am willing to trade my soul just so that she can be with me for the rest of my life. What have I become? Why can't I let her go.. It is the right thing to do. It's Lynn's dream. And I crushed it.

I also worried about her health. Gastric, insomnia and asthma; Lynn has them all. When she flies across different time zones. Eating and sleeping time will keep changing. It's very tiring to her body. When she needs help who is going to take care of her? Who is going to carry her? I want to be that man more than anything. I know her problems. I really want to be there for her. But over there, someone else will do that.. Don't you understand what I am saying.. I am willing to take care of you knowing how much it hurts to see you like that. I want to be your hero and not let that be another man.

I know someday down the road, she might blame me. I still can't forgive myself.
Everyday, she waits for me to fix things. But I can't fix it. I feel like I am failing her. I make matters worse.

Can't you see, I am another fool so in love and is so afraid to lose you? But why I can't I do the right thing to let you go for your dreams?