25 things I will do for Larry

1. I will be mature
2. I will cook for him (hehe...although, I don't know how to cook)
3. I will make him happy
4. I will be prettier and more beautiful
5. I will be healthy
6. I will take care myself
7. I will not skip the meal
8. I will not firlty
9. I will have only him (In my heart)
10.I will not make him angry
11.I will make him proud of me
12.I will not be the materialism girl
13.I will learn to protect myself
14.I will not drink a lot
15.I will not be too sensitive
16.I will learn how to do housekeeper
17.I will be beside him
18. I will not make him annoy
19. I will support him
20. I will be his laugh and smile
21.I will not be too jealous
22.I will make him proud of himself too.
23.I will be his inspiration
24.I will be his dream girl
25.I will be his good wife (don't know when but I hope :P)

Although, It's not much for the thing I will do for him but I really want to do. And I hope I can do everything I wrote above for him.

60 things I love Larry

1. He always calls me

2. He understand me

3. He like to eat

4. He is not handsome

5. He is funny

6. He always makes me happy

7. He always cares me

8. He always says I'm pretty and beautiful

9. He is my boyfriend

10.He like to watch movie with me

11.He has a sexy eyes when he drunk

12.He is good kisser

13.He always listens to me

14.He cook for me (I love his mama mi)

15.He washed my clothes

16.He bring me to travel around Penang.

17.He go to the club with me. Drink with me. Dance with me and drunk with me

18.I love his dancing

19.I love his massage

20.I love his hug

21.I love when he touch my hair and I feel very warm when he kiss my hair.

23.He is warm

24.He know when I'm sad

25. He always holds my hand and hugs me

26. He always asks how are you?

27. He bought the medicine for me

28. He writes e-mail to me

29. He makes me laugh

30. He always writes our blog although he is lazy

31. He brought me to the good places

32. He is loyal

33. He is patient

34. He respects my dicission

35. He is my inspiration

36. He is my Gardian

37. He has a nice shoulder

38. He is my moji kung

39. He like my body and my skin

40. He call me porkchop

41. He call me baby

42. He call me princess

43. He listen when I have problem and he always help me to solve

44. He is mature

45. I love his opinions

46. He is kind and generous

47. He cares people

48. He teachs me to know what is love, what is give and what is receive

49. He is engineer and he is my teacher too because he always teachs me

50. He is clever

51. He is interested me

52. He cried for me

53. He works hard

54. He let me be the flight attendant

55. He is a good trainer for exercise

56. He like Jay Chou songs

57. He love his family, he care his parent

58. He proud of me

59. He always beside me

60. He love me and I love him (this is the most important thing)

My mom

Many people told me that my mom is a great woman. She is strong, clever, kind, ambitious and beautiful. Many people love my mom and never forgot her although she have already passed away more than 10 years.

Many people asked me I can remember my mom or not. Frankly, I don't have much memory with my mom. I remember that she very love me. When I was young I'm not healthy so I had to eat a special medicine. She went to my school everyday for giving the medicine to me. I remember that she can not cook and she doesn't like to do housekeeper. she pick me up from the school every evening. I remember she sang the song for me every night although she doesn't know how to sing but that is the most beautiful song for me.

I still remember how sad I am when my dad told me she was not with us anymore. She went to somewhere where is very far. More than 10 years without her. I told myself that I don't want to talk or think about her much. That's not because I'm not love her but I feel I don't want to sad. I know she always beside me. And bring me to the good way. I know she still protect me from the bad thing and bad people. I know she is waiting for seeing my success. And every time I do something done I hope she will proud of me.

I hope, she will be my guardian and I want her to know I love her lot. I want she pray for us and hope she will be glad with me and Larry relationship. I love you mom ...

Freedom?

Is there a price for everything? Say if you want to succeed in life, you must work hard. If you want food you must plant seeds and plants, go hunt, fish or gather food. The world used to be more direct and whenever we want something there is always some form of direct exchange. Somthing we must give in order to gain. But today it's getting more complicated. If you want food. You must earn money. Than you need to find the seller that sells you food that you want and can consume. At the end, the connection gets more complicated and we only think we want money. Because seems like money can buy everything. So our brains think it only want money. And we begin to lose sight that we want food or the basic things in the first place.

What about freedom. We want love too. Can these 2 co-exist? Most people says yes before they are in a relationship. But ask a married person than they might say yes because their priority have been shifted because they are comfortable in the relationship. The ones who says that they lost their freedom are the ones that think they gave more than they gain in terms of love. They are married and have a responsibility to their wives or husbands and children but they still want to do what they want to do. Example, they like going out for movies and leave their children and husbands to cook or do things themselves while they can have fun. In today's world. It's normal. But if conventional thinking will frown and think that the mentioned spouse is irresponsible.

Lynn, you want freedom and love. You want to fly around the world and do the things you want. I want that for you too. But when I sense our relationship is in threat, mainly when there are other "flies" around you and you like their attention like any other person, I felt threathened and insecure. I feel like I need to control you. But I am a person that withdraws from you when I feel that. I do not attack you like a jealous person whenever I sense there is a threat. But I just go back to my own world, "Fortress of Solitude", my safe hiding place and nurse my wounds.

You on the other hand, will ask me questions and than says you don't like that and want me to change or not talk to the person anymore. But you know by saying that out will make you sound really possesive but you cannot control that. So you will try to tone down. But remember when I exchange e-mails with my ex. When I look at other girls. The way you react is more explosive than I am. You too want to control me. You too want to stop me from flirting with other girls. I know there is a difference of me going after them and you being approached by them but the threat is the same. And seemingly you do enjoy their attention so do I enjoy that they like me be around them. So all in all we do love ourselves and we want to protect our property that is each other. We are selfish when it comes to love cause we want our mate to be loyal to us. I think its instinct.

So do remember, IF you want me to loyal and not go out with other girls or spend more time with other friends besides than you. (proven when you get angry/jealous with me always hanging out with my close friends and not pay attention to you. You are happy when I am busy and can only spend my time workind and not having fun and exchanging emails with my ex or looking at other girls) than you should expect the same treatment back. If you cannot accept that, than you should not impose that..

Imagine if I can say "I want my freedom too so I can know other girls. So I can know you are the real deal. Cause I think I have not experience life enough so I go to the club and get close to other girls and fetch other girls. If I come back to you than you are the one I really want..."
I will never say that to you because to me I know you are the one I want and I show it by following what you said about not being flirty. But when I sense you really enjoy having other guys flirt with you, I think I should enjoy my youth too by getting to know more girls cause its fun to me too. Again.. I don't do that to you cause I feel bad. But bear in mind when you tell me you get so much attention, the green envy in me do rise. I understand how you feel but do you understand me too?

Lynn, I want you.. but I will give you your freedom. You are right, I should not be moody with when you are telling me that other guys go after you and it seems fun to you. I should not feel insecure because I should trust you. I should not be so sensitive because you are young and just like the attention. I will change myself and give you your precious freedom. You are moulding me to be the man you want. But I am suppressing what is only natural to most ppl. Somehow I always say that I want you to be happy. Always easier said than done.

Oh well, let say it's my fate again.

Please love me as the way I am

Last night I had argument with my dad. I will go to Malaysia next month so I asked his permit for this trip. I don't want to lie him anymore. So I told him the truth that I want to go there for my holiday but he scolded me back. I don't know why he always likes me to lie why he can not accept the truth. After my mom passed away I try so hard for making him proud of me. I want to make my dad happy. I want to show everyone that my dad take care me very well. I got the second honest from university. (I tried so hard for getting it) I got the good job and high pay. And I passed the flight attendant interview and will be the flight attendant soon. But seem like he still not happy. Why?.......Just only small thing I want but he can not give it to me. I want to be selfish but I can not. I feel sad when I can not do something for him and I also upset when I can not follow the thing I want to do. .......

At the mean time, I send the message to Larry and he did not reply. I called him but It had not any signal. I very worry about him. I afraid of his accident or bad thing happened. I can contact him in this evening and seem like the phone line is have problem so he didn't got my message. I told him about the thing I did today. I told him I went for Road Show and had many people talk with me. I have a great time today. I also told him about the clients who gave me the e-mail and also asked my contact. I told him everything but seem like he can not accept. I think, I make him upset again. Although he told me that he tried so his voice is like that, but I know he doesn't like the thing I just said. Why not only my dad but he also...... Why? I am the girl who like freedom. I'm the girl who like social. I like to meet new people. I like to travel around. I like someone to pay attention to me (Because when I was young no one care me) but why my dad and Larry can not accept that.

My dad can not accept the truth. Larry always scares and feel insecure in our relationship. And I also want them happy. Sometime I can do the thing they want me to do though I don't like and It's not me. But if I keep doing this, I will don't know who I am. Larry told me it's hard for him to change and how about me? I just want someone love me as the way I am. I want my dad understand me more. I feel very lonely............ Now I want to go to somewhere where is none know me. And that place I can do many things which I want to do. I will know new people and they just one friend in this world. I don't have to care and love them. ....... I want to leave many things now...........Can I do?

Our Future

I went to Penang last week (2-5 March, 2007) . I always go there for visiting my dear, Larry. Every time I go there I'm always happy and excited. But this time is different. I go there with the bad feeling and seem like I really don't want to see him anymore. After I had decided to be flight attendant, our relationship was not the same. Although he try to be sweet but I can feel he is not like that. He was colder and colder.

On the way I went to Penang in this time, I think about what should I do if he want to break up with me. I really afraid of loosing him. But It didn't be like that. After I had arrived the airport, he tried to talk with me as the same. But deep of my feeling know we are not the same. Finally, we talked and shared our feeling too each other. And we were better. I think, I understand him more and I think he also understand me more.

I went to meet his parent at Klang (His Home Town) His family is so nice and kind. I'm very happy for having a chance to meet them. And I hope their family will like me too. Larry will buy the car soon. I have still remembered when he told me he want to buy the car, I always not agree with him (But I can not remember why I don't want he buy a car) But when I sat on the car which he will buy. I feel very happy and really want to sit like that as long as I can. It was nice when I saw him drove the car with the happy mood. He look like a child when got the new toy. I very proud when I saw he got something he want. And I love to see his step. I know, he try so hard to get the car.

We had a romantic time at his apartment's balcony. He is not the romantic man but I'm the romantic girl. So I have to make him drunk so he was not shy to say something sweet to me. We sat at the balcony during the moon light. Actually, it has not anything much. No rose, no expensive stuff. It just only me and him but it can make the precious memory for me.

Now, I'm home. I miss him a lot. I know, after this we will have many obstacles come for testing us but I believe in our faith as he always does. I believe, we can pass it together.......Our future is still far but I believe this journey is worthwhile..

Will Peace be Restored?

Well Lynn just came to visit me again last weekends. It was a time to regain faith I guess. After all, our relationship was in a state of limbo for 2 weeks since she told me that she wanted to be a flight attendant. It was a time to heal and rebuild bridges. Hehe.. but more than anything, it was what we really needed most; to see each other and know that the same flame in our hearts still burn. I hope this event would give me the reason to believe her and hold on while she "flies" away.

Anyway, she met my parents too. I have no idea what they think of her and it's hard to get it out of them. Most of the time they will say as long as I like her than it's my life. Well such ambivalence.. But I guess it's wise of them to NOT judge someone so quick. After all they barely talked much but at least I see my parents taking an effort to talk to her. And I think my parents are curious about her as they do ask me questions about her. Sigh, I really do not know how to conclude this meeting too. But I do know it's a first step. My cousin likes her I think and also that I think Lynn has her charm with ppl. :) My friend did say that she looks the best compared to all the girls I have dated before.. I think she would be happy to hear that.

I guess a lot of things are really uncertain in life. So all I can do is choose and make decision each step as we go and it's also up to her to make hers. Whatever it is.. I guess god prepared for me a love life that is full of surprises. :)